#ok im gonna go. doodle until i get my motivation back :

[hollypies]

I have really bad art block so take this bby Radiance :)

I can and will make an au where everyone is friends. Just u watch haha

Your honor im love her

[udon-udon]

-has a day off- -naps for most for it- 

honestly i’m feeling very overwhelmed this month, i got a dentist appointment today as well (which i am always deathly afraid of and i know i have a cavity, so theyre going to chew me out on that too...) and said cavity will result in me needing to go back to the dentists again to have it fixed, I have a couple of doctors appointments upcoming as well, I have a few birthday dinners to go to (which i kind of dont even want to plan tbh) and then i have my visual novel writing to worry about which is worrying me a lot cause im midkey not feeling this year’s and the pressure (that i’m putting on myself) makes me want to procrastinate on it and man i just dont have a clear vision for it/think that this year’s game might be a let down for a lot of people which sucks. I mean i guess i could... rethink it and re-write it but also at the same time, do i have time for that... 

i haven’t been drawing as well, and if you’ve read my previous text posts, inspiration/motivation has been hitting me so much lately but i can’t cause i have to focus on writing to get writing done on time;;; UGHGHGHG so i’ve been holding back on that. My period didn’t come in September (and not yet for October), so idk I feel like i’m forever PMS-ing until i bleed TMI oops. And said PMS is making me think sad thots from time to time so that Sucks.

I also feel kind of disconnected with people and kind of holing myself, though i dont have many people to talk to in the first place tbh;;;; so idk i guess i’ve been feeling more lonely than usual (thanks PMS) (but also that doesn’t mean i want to talk to necessarily anyone). Most of my closer friends have been really busy so it’s just been kind of quiet. I might stream this coming Friday with a just chatting stream/just working stream cause I kinda miss streaming (and hope to god i can multitask, even though i know i can’t multitask). I’m also most likely going to do a birthday stream where I just doodle and draw maybe? stay tuned for that i guess

and also work has just been.... ok. as always i feel like i’m not contributing or doing a good job but here i am 🤪 also i feel like my performance has not been the best lately and idk i’m afraid to hear it hahahahhaha

I just can’t wait until the visual novel is done with in December (which is god damn, the first ((or well, actually i kind of felt like this when I wrote Love Goes Toward Love as well, but i feel like this year even more so))). I won’t be taking winter commissions this year as im just gonna CHILL and draw the things i’ve wanted to draw or play some games idk, I JUST WANT TO CHILL, this past year has been pretty hectic, I stressed about the last few months of school, graduated, got a job, was really busy in the summer with commissions and cons, so yah.

thank you for listening to my ted talk 

[assless-chapstick]

This is me sending myself an ask… because I am boredt and my teeth hurt and I want to lay in bed….

So I ask myself … how are the Couch AU boys coping with the COVID19 lockdown??? Are they ok??

Tbh I think Charles and John are taking it harder than Arthur and Javi. Like, Arthur and Javier are a little more stable, a little more mentally well/neurotypical, and while everyone is finding it hard, I think Charles and John are struggling more than average.

Charles practically lives at John and Arthurs place, so he’s locked down over there; half his stuff is over there already, and while it might be a little crowded, it’s better than him being alone at his place. He doesn’t have any roommates and he needs to have someone around to help with the anxiety and keep him on a schedule. With Arthur around, he doesn’t sink completely into a depression. Sure, he’s finding it hard to focus and stay motivated and he spends a lot more time on the couch, napping and watching jeopardy and comfort-eating, but he’s not completely vacant and spending all day in bed, forgetting to shower or eat like he might if he was alone.

Arthur has a little gym/studio in the spare bedroom where he draws and does his fuckin bowflex or whatever, and they set Charles up there so he can get some studying done and continue to attend classes online. Charles is just finishing his first year of law school and he’s like, determined not to let this whole situation fuck up his academic career, even if he’s a little worried about it all…

Arthur is going a little stir-crazy; he works at an autobody shop, and they closed for a couple weeks at the beginning so he was out of work for a while. He was all “perfect I can work on my art,” but he’s so used to being super busy working two jobs and going to the gym and shit that having so much free time has been stressful to him. He processes a lot of feelings through anger, so the punching bag on the balcony has taken some pretty rough beatings the past couple weeks…

He’s back at work now, three days a week, so he’s feeling a little better… I think his biggest concern is money, cuz with reduced hours and all the cons he was planning to sell art at being cancelled, his income is reduced, and as a teen/early 20s he struggled a lot so that really scared him… But Dutch and Hosea aren’t too bad off and they’ll help out if he or John are ever in a pinch…

I think Arthur authors/creates a queer cowboy romance webcomic, so he’s been working on that a lot… he’s finally pages ahead and has some updates queued, so if he needs to be can afford to take a break for a week or two! He’s psyched about that. His patreon profits have gone down a little, but he’s got some loyal-ass fans and they’re really helping him thru it, too, I think… and he’s made some new merch for the first time in ages, and has had time to open up more commissions… He and Charles spend a lot of afternoons in the study, listening to Arthur’s vinyls and working together in silence …

So Arthur is doing ok, and Charles is pulling through, but John is having a… really rough go. For someone who seems really chaotic, John really really thrives when he had a routine and a set schedule, and with classes being moved online or canceled, he’s really struggling to keep a routine and as a result, his mental health is suffering. It also doesn’t help that he can’t leave the house and can’t see Javi, a major source of security for him. John runs to get his frustration out, and not feeling like it’s safe to go for a run has him feeling really bad.

He and Javi FaceTime every night, but it’s not the same and John is pretty miserable. He spends a lot of time in his room, music Loud, and he stops sleeping with any sort of regularity. The stress also makes his nightmares worse, I think, so he’s spending a lot more time avoiding sleep, which definitely makes him even bitchier than he would be otherwise. That and the situation have him really snappy, so there’s some Big Fights between him and Arthur; fights over nothing, fighting just to have something to do, to just feel something, because he’s angry with the situation and the feelings and everything… He’d just started to get his life on track and here it is, all out of order again. The uncertainty and instability are really unsettling for him.

I think John’s been seeing his therapist online, but it’s not the same, and he really hates it. In the first few weeks, things were all over the place and he forgot to take his meds and stuff… when Arthur noticed something was wrong, he kind of just started gently helping John remember to do things, just gently coaxing him and reminding him to take his pills, etc…

Like Arthur starts making meal at the same time every day, and cooks for all three of them so John remembers to eat… he makes coffee and sings when he makes breakfast to wake John up, and they watch movies and play boardgames and stuff after dinner, just to keep John on a little bit of a schedule. John usually goes to bed in his own room and climbs into Arthur and Charles’ later in the night, but during this whole thing, he starts going to bed with Arthur and Charles, and that helps too...

I think eventually he gets a little more used to it, once he gets back into a routine and then he’s still having trouble, but he’s doing better…

Javi lives in college dorms, so he’s moved back to living with his mum and his sister, which sucks, but that also means he can borrow his mum’s car… so when John is feeling really bad, one day, Javi throws his guitar in the trunk and goes to John and Arthurs place and stands under the balcony and plays all the dumb joke songs he’s written for John… songs called shit like “im sorry I backwashed in your redbull, flaquita” and “youre a pendejo but I love you anyway” and that cheers them both up…

Also, John makes up little care packages and has Arthur drop them off at Javi’s!! little doodles (John’s been practicing drawing but he’s like, crazy bad, just awful) and poems (marginally better, not great), their favourite snacks, little trinkets from around the house and stuff he picks up on his runs (once he starts going on runs again), and of course, of course, cuz he’s nasty, panties that he MAYBE wore on his run, for Javi to, y’know, do with what he will…

And of course they have a lot of phone sex, especially once John pulls it together a bit… at first he kind of went AWOL and didn’t talk to anyone, let his phone go dead and stuff, but he’s doing better now and now they’re… being quarantine horny …

Javi prefers regular voice phonesex, loves to call John up and tease his girl until John whines for him to stop, ask if John is touching himself when Javi can tell by the hitch of his breath that he is… Javi loves that, but not seeing one another, John insists they do videocalls, even if Javi is a little uncomfortable…

But it leads to some… fun roleplay … John pretends to be an innocent starlet trying to make it big, and Javi is a big-time director that keeps on pushing… “you look so good on camera, babe, but maybe take the bra off, let us see how those little titties of yours look? Don’t be shy, it’s all business, just want to see… grab them for me, that’s it, now show me that ass…”

And they also play like Javi is broadcasting the video to everyone, like all his friends can see what a whore Javi’s girl is, how he can suck that dildo like it was a real cock and how desperate he is for it… they pretend Javi is advertising John as if he’s a thing for sale, like Javi is booking John’s ass by the hour…. All “cmon baby, show them how greedy your pussy is, you’re gonna take so many cocks for me tonight, you’ll be leaking cum by the time they’re done with you, you’ll be so sore but you’ll do it for me, won’t you, flaca? Til you’re rubbed raw and then I’ll slide into your wet, gaping hole…”

And of course, of course, John BIG gets off on watching Javi jerk off into the panties he sends him… Javi maybe even… sniffs them, licks them a little, cuz he misses John so bad and he loves the way John looks in the pale yellow, lacy panties he’s got wrapped around his dick, loves the idea of coming in them and then making John put them back on,…

Aaaand that’s that on that, I think!! So thanks for reading, mister, if you’re still out there somewhere. I have dental surgery tomorrow and I’m more scared than a spider in a shoe factory, so please wish me some luck and send me some non-COVID related asks, iffin you’re feeling it!!

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[springleaves]

HELLO IM ALIVE jk im not really 

its been like.. two weeks i guess??? idk i dont remember the last time i posted hahahah oops

school has been sucking the life out of me and its really just... not good,,

right ok i got a lot of explaining to do and this is gonna be v long but you know what i’ll put a tl;dr at the end if you'd rather not read long walls of text 

yes i am well aware i posted something along the sort of this back in january however, im reiterating some points from back then as well as having to revise some points and explain a couple of things so here we go (under the cut)

i currently have two weeks of easter break (thank jesus) but i will be studying pretty hardcore from here on out because my exams start very soon :/ and i cant afford to slack on these exams because they’re basically going to decide my future lmao

i apologise for the lack of posts and art or whatever you could possibly follow me for in which case idk what,, but thats gonna keep going till the end of exams aka end of june. in which case after that you’re gonna see so much of me you’ll probably get sick of me ;’) this summer will be when i really try to step up my art game and all that jazz, like starting to draw other kpop groups i stan, potentially open an online shop for kpop fanart merch, whatever compels me at that point, either way, i will be much more active during summer, providing that my current art state is over (ill explain this next)

another important point to make is that i have really tried to keep up with these birthday gifts but it consumes so much more time than i originally anticipated that it would and im struggling to keep up with the dates along with my school work. i sincerely apologise to everyone and for the upcoming birthdays for my lateness. part of this is also because im currently in an art slump, where i fail to draw almost anything to the point where i cant even doodle at school. arguably this happens all the time during this time of year (final stretch before exams and the like) so i should have expected it, however i do with for people to bear with me. i will try to complete all late birthday gifts asap, and hopefully complete a bunch in advance for posting after the school term restarts but i cannot promise anything, i hope you can all understand

regarding requests and to any who were possibly interested; during the times i was still posting somewhat frequently, i was planning to open them this easter break. however after going through the last two weeks without having an ounce of time to draw let alone motivation, i dont think i;ll be doing that. (i do still have one request to do that i’ve struggled on for a long time so thats another thing) again, i apologise to people who were interested in requests. i can assure you that after everything is finished and summer break is here they will be open again, however it is very likely that i may start doing commissions (aka you pay a set fee for art) alongside it thus requests may be of limited slots of something of the sort, but i will definitely continue doing requests no matter what even if they’re temporarily closed.

final point: holy fCUK ive missed you guys but yeah if you’ve read all of that thank you i love you ♡

tl;dr:

was inactive for past two weeks bc of school, gonna be inactive till end of june or so

literally cant draw for shit right now because of art slump and focus on exams/studying

you’re gonna get sick of me in the summer

i will try to continue posting birthday gifts but absolutely no promises

requests wont be open until the summer where i also wish to open an online shop + start commissions

i still love you guys